I have so much to write about (non-ttc) but no time to do it! I feel like I'm running around screaming "the holidays are coming, the holidays are coming!!!" but not actually getting anything done. Well I shouldn't say that, things are getting done, just at a much slower pace than I'd like....
But in the meantime, today is CD 12 and too late for an HSG. I talked to the nurse at my OB/GYN's office today, she was waiting to hear back on the insurance check for me for a while now (one of the delays to scheduling it). My insurance will cover 90% of it after I meet the $750 deductible for an out of pocket max of $1000. She wasn't sure what the HSG actually costs since it's done at the hospital, so I have to call them to find out. It'll be the same coverage for Chris's S/A, and she gave me the phone number for the facility that he'll have to go to for that so I can see what their scheduling availablity is and their prices. I hope he's still willing to do that!
The cool thing is, my company has a health reibursement account set up (different than my FSA) that is emplyer funded and can be used to get reimbursement for deductibles and co-insurance payments. So in theory my company will be paying for my tests (at least up to the $750 and any co-insurance payments)
But my insurance does not cover IF treatment - so no IUIs, no IVF, I don't know if it'll cover any meds (I doubt it)....so let's pray that these screenings/tests locate something easily fixable!
Oh and it looks like the HSG will be scheduled just after the new year.
December 15, 2009
December 9, 2009
Prayers are always welcome
My dad was in an accident tonight :( He's okay, but both air bags deployed and they're making him go to the hospital. my mom said he said he's okay and the lady is too, apparently he go T-boned at an intersection. the car is probably totaled but he has a pick up truck he can use (they have 3 vehicles).
I'm okay too, just a little unsettled right now and felt that I had to put this out there for positive vibes and prayers :)
In other news I still haven't heard anything about scheduling the HSG. hopefully they don't call tomorrow expecting I can come in (I work across the street from the OB's office and told them my schedule is flexible and I can come in even last minute) - but tomorrow I have to be in the field for construction observation....I'm a "last resort" person for field work so there's no one to cover for me if I have to leave. they said they were trying for Thursday or Tuesday. Tuesday would be CD 11 or 12 (my period had started just before midnight last Thursday so I'd usually say friday was CD 1 but it was kind heavy overnight. so it's a tough call.) They don't like to do HSG's after CD 10 cuz there's a chance of washing out an egg. but since it didn't work the last 18 cycles, I'm thinking I'd rather get the test done and risk washing out an egg over waiting another cycle just to "see what happens". I'm kinda over "seeing what happens" since that's a big fat nothing everything cycle. They did say I can get a copy of the B/W results when I come in so that's cool. I'd just like to know where in the normal range my numbers fell.
And lastly my sewing machine started making a funky noise tonight :( I have so many projects planned and just bough the thing 2 months ago, there better not be anything really wrong. it's not a consistant noise, so hopefully it'll just goaway and I can go back to quilting :)
I'm okay too, just a little unsettled right now and felt that I had to put this out there for positive vibes and prayers :)
In other news I still haven't heard anything about scheduling the HSG. hopefully they don't call tomorrow expecting I can come in (I work across the street from the OB's office and told them my schedule is flexible and I can come in even last minute) - but tomorrow I have to be in the field for construction observation....I'm a "last resort" person for field work so there's no one to cover for me if I have to leave. they said they were trying for Thursday or Tuesday. Tuesday would be CD 11 or 12 (my period had started just before midnight last Thursday so I'd usually say friday was CD 1 but it was kind heavy overnight. so it's a tough call.) They don't like to do HSG's after CD 10 cuz there's a chance of washing out an egg. but since it didn't work the last 18 cycles, I'm thinking I'd rather get the test done and risk washing out an egg over waiting another cycle just to "see what happens". I'm kinda over "seeing what happens" since that's a big fat nothing everything cycle. They did say I can get a copy of the B/W results when I come in so that's cool. I'd just like to know where in the normal range my numbers fell.
And lastly my sewing machine started making a funky noise tonight :( I have so many projects planned and just bough the thing 2 months ago, there better not be anything really wrong. it's not a consistant noise, so hopefully it'll just goaway and I can go back to quilting :)
December 8, 2009
Whine Bitch Moan Complain
this is about my coworker..... She's in her early 40s and has 2 kids, ages 11 and 8. She worked here for something like 10 years and when she had her second child she decided to be a SAHM for a few years (I was actually hired to replace her) and is now back to work part time (for the last 4 or 5 years). We share a double wide cubical which is great when she's not here, cuz I get the center table all to myself :)
She doesn't talk about anything except her kids schedule, all the running she has to do and coordinating and how her H doesn't do any of it (she does talk about gardening in the spring/summer and she's given me a ton of plants over the years and is a nice person but she can be so annoying).
you can't bring up any story with out it somehow turning to her and her kids, and God forbid she actually talk at work about work....anyone who stops by to talk about work will no doubt wind up talking about horse riding lessons or piano lessons, or left wondering if soccer practice will be cancled or who the new basketball coach will be. My God, it doesn't stop! and I get to hear it all. I will sit here somedays with my fingers in my ears and reading aloud if I can't concentrate with the babbling about what kids have whos birthday party this weekend and how she's trying to keep the christmas presents fair.
I get it, her kids are her life, work means nothing to her, fine...no problem...work isn't my life either, my crafts/hobbies/friends are - it's not like I'm a career-woman, if I didn't have to work I really don't think I would (and that has nothing to do with being a mom, even if I never have kids, if I didn't have to work I know I'd be perfectly content with my projects and hobbies and visiting my grandmother across the street when I'm bored :)).
And the fact that she's part time just kills me, she spends maybe 15 hrs a week here, and without exageration (yeah, no idea how to spell that) she spends at least 5 of those hours a week talking about her kids and looking up dinner recipes online. that's 33% of her time here. While I may spend a lot of time on the internet and email throughout the week it's usually only a total of maybe an hour a day, which is also 5 hours a week but I work 40 or more hours in a week, so it's not nearly as obvious.
I don't know where I'm going with this, I just felt like I had to get it off my mind, maybe I'll stop bristling under my skin when I have to hear how busy her weekend was and the million and one after school activities she has to fit in this week. I really do like her, she is a nice person and there could be way worse people I'd have to share my space with, so I guess I shouldn't complain too much.
She doesn't talk about anything except her kids schedule, all the running she has to do and coordinating and how her H doesn't do any of it (she does talk about gardening in the spring/summer and she's given me a ton of plants over the years and is a nice person but she can be so annoying).
you can't bring up any story with out it somehow turning to her and her kids, and God forbid she actually talk at work about work....anyone who stops by to talk about work will no doubt wind up talking about horse riding lessons or piano lessons, or left wondering if soccer practice will be cancled or who the new basketball coach will be. My God, it doesn't stop! and I get to hear it all. I will sit here somedays with my fingers in my ears and reading aloud if I can't concentrate with the babbling about what kids have whos birthday party this weekend and how she's trying to keep the christmas presents fair.
I get it, her kids are her life, work means nothing to her, fine...no problem...work isn't my life either, my crafts/hobbies/friends are - it's not like I'm a career-woman, if I didn't have to work I really don't think I would (and that has nothing to do with being a mom, even if I never have kids, if I didn't have to work I know I'd be perfectly content with my projects and hobbies and visiting my grandmother across the street when I'm bored :)).
And the fact that she's part time just kills me, she spends maybe 15 hrs a week here, and without exageration (yeah, no idea how to spell that) she spends at least 5 of those hours a week talking about her kids and looking up dinner recipes online. that's 33% of her time here. While I may spend a lot of time on the internet and email throughout the week it's usually only a total of maybe an hour a day, which is also 5 hours a week but I work 40 or more hours in a week, so it's not nearly as obvious.
I don't know where I'm going with this, I just felt like I had to get it off my mind, maybe I'll stop bristling under my skin when I have to hear how busy her weekend was and the million and one after school activities she has to fit in this week. I really do like her, she is a nice person and there could be way worse people I'd have to share my space with, so I guess I shouldn't complain too much.
December 7, 2009
random post
I know I don't have many pictures in my posts so I thought I'd do a little picture blog :)
Here's a picture of my dog Druppy (pronounced "droopy" - we adopted him with that name and I didn't have the heart to change it, like my dog would know if I changed the spelling of his name or something ;)
He's chilling on his new dog bed I made him :)
I got all of my Christmas decorating done this weekend, except we have to get our tree yet. Well we went this weekend with our friends but the tree farm wanted $55 for a 6/7 tree - yeah no way in hell I'm paying that kind of money! So we'll go next weekend, because come hell or high water I will have a real tree that we cut down. Unless I absolutely run out of time I'll compromise and get a pre-cut one, but things have to be pretty hectic for me to give in.
Anyway, this is my most favorite decoration (probably cuz I made it) but I absolutely love it!
And we had our first snowfall of the season! (well it snowed in October but I'm choosing to ignore that because it was time to start snowing yet!)
I don't know why I didn't take a picture later in the day when everything was covered, but I was so excited when it started I snapped this pic off our back deck :)
And in TTC news, The "letter" from the doctor was a just a form where they checked off that the bloodwork and cultures were in normal ranges. No other information.
I emailed the doctor's office on saturday to let them know that I need to schedule the HSG (oh yeah, my period started late Thursday night) and that I'd like a copy of the bloodwork results...I'll probably call them this afternoon as I have never used the email service before and I'd like to get the appt scheduled ASAP.
That's all for now :)
December 3, 2009
no news
I called the doctor's office to see if the doctor had a chance to review the bloodwork results and the nurse checked my file and noted that a letter went out today. a Letter, Really?!?! In 2009 - the age of instant gratification and 14 different ways of contacting soemone and my doctor's office uses snail mail?! Ugh. that's a little frustrating.
but I figured, don't bite the hand that feeds you...the fact is the lab results were returned in a day, my doctor was out yesterday so that means he saw them, reviewed, processed them and issued me a letter this morning so all things considered I don't think I can complain too much. I figure if it was earth-shattering/life-altering news he probably would've tracked me down by phone if nothing else, so that leads me to believe all is fine, just as he suspected.
and I just wanted to write down the name Issac. I don't know why, it came to me while I was driving home from work last night. I like it, if we have a boy I'd like to consider it as a possibility and would hate to forget it. it doesn't really fit my criteria for a boys name, but I still like it :)
but I figured, don't bite the hand that feeds you...the fact is the lab results were returned in a day, my doctor was out yesterday so that means he saw them, reviewed, processed them and issued me a letter this morning so all things considered I don't think I can complain too much. I figure if it was earth-shattering/life-altering news he probably would've tracked me down by phone if nothing else, so that leads me to believe all is fine, just as he suspected.
and I just wanted to write down the name Issac. I don't know why, it came to me while I was driving home from work last night. I like it, if we have a boy I'd like to consider it as a possibility and would hate to forget it. it doesn't really fit my criteria for a boys name, but I still like it :)
December 2, 2009
My 1st date with the wand
I took step # 3 today and I had my first ever u/s. Now this was not exactly the circumstance under which I imagined my 1st u/s would be, but all in all it went as well as can be expected. 1st off let me say the u/s tech lady was awesome! she was super enthusastic, explained things pretty well (even if she was a fast talker), she was gentle and firm at the same time, really seemed to be on my side. she was super happy to hear that I charted which was cool :)
She told she'd be looking for cysts, fibriods, polyps, etc...she said if there was anything to be seen, we'd see it. There was a screen hung on the wall in front of me so I could see everything. she explained what she was looking for (anatomy parts) and if things were normal. she asked where I was in my cycle and since I'm anywhere between 12 and 14 dpo she said everything looked exactly like it should. in her words I am perfect down there. she said my lining was thickening as it should be so that was good news for when I do get pg.
She also said my b/w results were in my chart but since the doc wasn't in the office today he hasn't seen them yet. he'll be in the next 2 days so I'll probably call tomorrow afternoon cuz I'm really anxious to find that out. I asked for a copy of the results too, she said I can have them after the doc looks at them.
Then she went and found the nurse who works with my doctor to make sure she was going to start the insurance paperwork for the HSG and s/a.
she seems like a great advocate to keeping things moving and if I get my period (she said let's hope we don't have to take this infertilty testing any further :)
She said that if/when I do get my period I should call to set up the HSG as that can be done any day up to CD 10. so that's a nice big window to work with and hopefully I won't miss the oppurtunity next cycle.
I'm not gonna lie, I was hoping against hope that I was wrong on my O date (my last period started on 10/28) and she's see a little sac floating around in there. :) haha, I'm such an optimist sometimes it's scary :)
She told she'd be looking for cysts, fibriods, polyps, etc...she said if there was anything to be seen, we'd see it. There was a screen hung on the wall in front of me so I could see everything. she explained what she was looking for (anatomy parts) and if things were normal. she asked where I was in my cycle and since I'm anywhere between 12 and 14 dpo she said everything looked exactly like it should. in her words I am perfect down there. she said my lining was thickening as it should be so that was good news for when I do get pg.
She also said my b/w results were in my chart but since the doc wasn't in the office today he hasn't seen them yet. he'll be in the next 2 days so I'll probably call tomorrow afternoon cuz I'm really anxious to find that out. I asked for a copy of the results too, she said I can have them after the doc looks at them.
Then she went and found the nurse who works with my doctor to make sure she was going to start the insurance paperwork for the HSG and s/a.
she seems like a great advocate to keeping things moving and if I get my period (she said let's hope we don't have to take this infertilty testing any further :)
She said that if/when I do get my period I should call to set up the HSG as that can be done any day up to CD 10. so that's a nice big window to work with and hopefully I won't miss the oppurtunity next cycle.
I'm not gonna lie, I was hoping against hope that I was wrong on my O date (my last period started on 10/28) and she's see a little sac floating around in there. :) haha, I'm such an optimist sometimes it's scary :)
December 1, 2009
one minute I'm up, the next I'm down
what a freaking rollercoaster of emotions.
2 baby girls were born yesterday and I'm so freaking happy I could explode! and the next minute I'm overcome with the feeling that there's a deep hole in my heart and if I let myself go I ust might fall in.
I am really really good about handling the news when someone tells me they're pregant. I don't even feel like I'm putting on a brave face because I know it's a miracle that everything worked out and there's a little mass of cells growing and forming a little baby.
Its when that baby gets here that I kinda feel a little crater forming in my heart and a lump in my throat. I'm so over-joyed that my friend and my cousin each have a new perfect little person in their life, that everyone is happy and healthy and things are just perfect for them. I can't wait to meet the little girls and love on them and watch them grow up and be the amazing ladies I'm sure they will be.
but at the same time reality is smacking me in the face that I'm not pg yet.
I know I will be, I know we're taking the neccessary steps to get to that point. and it will happen.
I never was a very patient person. .sigh.
I did the b/w today, so that's the 2nd step on this fun little path we're on. my arm hurts a bit, but all in all the nurse did a good job so I can't complain too much. and I never peed in a cup in a doctor's office before, I filled that bad boy up! haha!
and speaking of handling "I'm pregnant" news - one of my BFF's found out last week that her cousin and one of her BFF's are both pregnant! she was nervous to tell me (I know both girls) but I truly do love hearing that someone got pregnant. I really honestly do. Especially her BFF - she had to go through IVF (sperm issues) and it took on the first shot. She is the sweetest girl and I could NOT be happier for her!
I can't help it if I feel slightly more happy for those couples who are pregnant after fertility treatments or at least trying for a fair amount of time. ;)
And - if things really do happen in 3's, perhaps I'll be the 3rd piece of good news sometime soon :)
2 baby girls were born yesterday and I'm so freaking happy I could explode! and the next minute I'm overcome with the feeling that there's a deep hole in my heart and if I let myself go I ust might fall in.
I am really really good about handling the news when someone tells me they're pregant. I don't even feel like I'm putting on a brave face because I know it's a miracle that everything worked out and there's a little mass of cells growing and forming a little baby.
Its when that baby gets here that I kinda feel a little crater forming in my heart and a lump in my throat. I'm so over-joyed that my friend and my cousin each have a new perfect little person in their life, that everyone is happy and healthy and things are just perfect for them. I can't wait to meet the little girls and love on them and watch them grow up and be the amazing ladies I'm sure they will be.
but at the same time reality is smacking me in the face that I'm not pg yet.
I know I will be, I know we're taking the neccessary steps to get to that point. and it will happen.
I never was a very patient person. .sigh.
I did the b/w today, so that's the 2nd step on this fun little path we're on. my arm hurts a bit, but all in all the nurse did a good job so I can't complain too much. and I never peed in a cup in a doctor's office before, I filled that bad boy up! haha!
and speaking of handling "I'm pregnant" news - one of my BFF's found out last week that her cousin and one of her BFF's are both pregnant! she was nervous to tell me (I know both girls) but I truly do love hearing that someone got pregnant. I really honestly do. Especially her BFF - she had to go through IVF (sperm issues) and it took on the first shot. She is the sweetest girl and I could NOT be happier for her!
I can't help it if I feel slightly more happy for those couples who are pregnant after fertility treatments or at least trying for a fair amount of time. ;)
And - if things really do happen in 3's, perhaps I'll be the 3rd piece of good news sometime soon :)
November 30, 2009
So I went to the doctor..
I decided it's time to talk to my ob/gyn about what's going on. We've been trying for over a year and half and nothing...(I pretty much copied this from the board, but I wanted to post it here for prosperity's sake I guess.
Based on my history and my H's there is no reason at all to suspect anything is wrong. It could be bad timing, who knows. My doc said it sounds like I'm ovulating so there's no reason right now to confirm or deny that (which I'm cool with). He ordered some B/W (Chlamydia urine test, FSH, GC amplified DNA, Prolactin, TSH) Diagnosis is irregular menstrual cycle, which is for insurance purposes I assume as he said my cycles are fine. I go for a pelvic u/s next wednesday at his office to check things out down there (is this usually external?). In the meantime his office will check with insurance for SA and HSG coverage.
He was really great, I've always liked this doctor, I've been seeing him for years. When we started he meeting he said "okay I'm pretty sure I know why you're here but why don't you tell me what's going on". I said, "well I'm not pregnant yet and I'd like to be." :)
He said he would not be the least bit surprised if all my tests come back normal. it easily could be a sperm issue, about 40% of TTC problems are sperm related. so that eased some fears.
He asked what I had in mind as far as tests, if I had any preferences or opinions which I thought was pretty cool. The only thing that I was a bit surprised about was he didn't pick up or comment on the fact that my last pd was October 28th so normally I would be at the end of my LP right now. I did tell him when I'm stressed I O late, but I didn't tell him that was this cycle.
All in all it was pretty much what I anticipated. and now I wait.
So I was thinking about it and I figured I should suck it up and get the b/w done tomorrow. He said I didn't need to fasst and it didn't matter what cycle day I was on, but I'm not 100% sure that's accurate. Anyone who had that b/w done, do you remember what your docs told you?
Based on my history and my H's there is no reason at all to suspect anything is wrong. It could be bad timing, who knows. My doc said it sounds like I'm ovulating so there's no reason right now to confirm or deny that (which I'm cool with). He ordered some B/W (Chlamydia urine test, FSH, GC amplified DNA, Prolactin, TSH) Diagnosis is irregular menstrual cycle, which is for insurance purposes I assume as he said my cycles are fine. I go for a pelvic u/s next wednesday at his office to check things out down there (is this usually external?). In the meantime his office will check with insurance for SA and HSG coverage.
He was really great, I've always liked this doctor, I've been seeing him for years. When we started he meeting he said "okay I'm pretty sure I know why you're here but why don't you tell me what's going on". I said, "well I'm not pregnant yet and I'd like to be." :)
He said he would not be the least bit surprised if all my tests come back normal. it easily could be a sperm issue, about 40% of TTC problems are sperm related. so that eased some fears.
He asked what I had in mind as far as tests, if I had any preferences or opinions which I thought was pretty cool. The only thing that I was a bit surprised about was he didn't pick up or comment on the fact that my last pd was October 28th so normally I would be at the end of my LP right now. I did tell him when I'm stressed I O late, but I didn't tell him that was this cycle.
All in all it was pretty much what I anticipated. and now I wait.
So I was thinking about it and I figured I should suck it up and get the b/w done tomorrow. He said I didn't need to fasst and it didn't matter what cycle day I was on, but I'm not 100% sure that's accurate. Anyone who had that b/w done, do you remember what your docs told you?
November 16, 2009
I'm not going to let this bother me
I figured if I write this out I'll be able to put it behind me and move the Eff on.
So in college there were 5 of us that were really close. my roommates D and H and 2 other girls in our dorm K and S. K and S were a year a head of us in school, and we all stayed in touch, and then after D, H and I graduated we'd still get together like once a year. this went on for a few years and eventually just fell to the wayside. K and S lived near eachother so they'd get together a little more frequently. and we'd all talk on the phone and email eachother from time to time.
I'm a homebody and really don't like going anywhere, they started planning long weekend trips and I just never wanted to go. I had other friends I needed to see (my BFF's from HS who are like my sisters and don't live near me) or family obligations, I rarely have a free weekend. I started to have less and less in common with the girls (H and K are married so it wasn't even that so much) I just didn't feel like I was missing anything in my life after we didn't talk for months on end.
to make an even longer story short I realized that the 4 of them got together last month, there are a few pictures on facebook. Not that I would've went anyway, just kinda sucks when you realize that a group of friends has moved on without you.
I was kinda burnt by that, but I feel better now :)
So in college there were 5 of us that were really close. my roommates D and H and 2 other girls in our dorm K and S. K and S were a year a head of us in school, and we all stayed in touch, and then after D, H and I graduated we'd still get together like once a year. this went on for a few years and eventually just fell to the wayside. K and S lived near eachother so they'd get together a little more frequently. and we'd all talk on the phone and email eachother from time to time.
I'm a homebody and really don't like going anywhere, they started planning long weekend trips and I just never wanted to go. I had other friends I needed to see (my BFF's from HS who are like my sisters and don't live near me) or family obligations, I rarely have a free weekend. I started to have less and less in common with the girls (H and K are married so it wasn't even that so much) I just didn't feel like I was missing anything in my life after we didn't talk for months on end.
to make an even longer story short I realized that the 4 of them got together last month, there are a few pictures on facebook. Not that I would've went anyway, just kinda sucks when you realize that a group of friends has moved on without you.
I was kinda burnt by that, but I feel better now :)
November 12, 2009
I can say that right now I'm glad I'm not pregnant
I know everyone worries about money and when a baby is in the picture that worry tends to be exponentially greater. so right now I am so so happy I'm not pregnant.
DH I live paycheck to paycheck with a little leftover every week/month and when we build up a little in savings something inevitably happens where that money is used, either for a house project or some unknown bill. I started cracking down and tracking our payments and making a budget and we've been doing rpetty good this year. It hasn't gotten to the point where I have to say "for the next 2 days we have to use the credit cad for anything we buy cuz there is $4 i nthe checking account until pay day". We lived like that for years and I was sick of it.
when I set up said budget I used a set amount of DH's paycheck every week based on the lowest weekly pay he would probably have. and it usually works out to be in our favor cuz it's generally between $50-$80 higher every week which is awesome!
But when he's out of work for a day or 2 it can really add up and things (bill payments) need to be shifted around and the effects are usually felt through the next few weeks.
2 weeks ago he was out on friday and then the following monday and tuesday cuz his back hurt and it was radiating down into his leg. he has a rather physical job and he did go to the doctor who told him he had to stay off his feet until it was better. it could be his sciatica, or something with the nerves or a disc, it could be a lot of things. if it continued to hurt or really got bad they would start running some tests.
Well today he stayed home from work again! It really makes me sick to my stomach that we're going to be dealing with another short paycheck next week. He doesn't have any more sick time (it's sick/vacation time together and his is all used up for the year. so time off is unpaid. he works for a friend for a small company, there's not a lot of flexibility, or there was until the company started to grow and now there's an employee manual so chris doens't get any special treatment like he used to.
I don't think he's faking, I don't think he's necessarily trying to just get a day off, he knows the effect it has on our finances, but he does have a short fuse and we've been down this road before where I'm compeltely 100% upfront and honest about the state of the finances and he gets so bent out of shape about working so hard and not being able to enjoy any of the money and spending it on things other then food/bills/other necessitites and we have a million projects that have been started and are in varying degrees of being finished and I think every one of them required more money to finish them. so he sits and stews over that. and in the past it's gotten bad enough that he was so disgusted about money and his job and not making enough that he quit (I know, totally the opposite of what we needed at the time). He's matured since then and I know he wouldn't put us in that kind of bind again, but I also know that he gets in that frame of mind he'll start to despise his job (which he genereally likes) and start to bring that disgust home and he'll be miserable and I can't handle him when he's like that.
I know that we're lucky to have jobs and we make decent money but neither of us have had raises in over 3 years now and that little extra bump in the paycheck every year really helped carry us over the humps and we've been stalled out for so long the little increases in the bills over that time are catching up more and more and I'm getting scared.
I don't want to put off TTC because we're at the point now where I'm going to have to start testing. I have decent coverage (80% covered for diagnostics) and a $15 office copay, so we can afford to start the testing, but if we have to do IUI or IVF, there's no way that's happening for a long time.
This is just one of those vents that I needed to put out there. I know we're not the only ones in this position and I know we'll get things back to "right" again, but right now I just feel like crying. I don't want Chris to feel bad and go to work and hurt himself worse where he's out for weeks at a time and I'm not mad at him for being hurt. I'm just really frustrated that this is happening. And now before the holidays, I haven't been able to splurge on gifts in like 6 years, that's hard for me, I love buying gifts. I've substituded by making gifts which I love to do, but it's not always easy and my time is worth something too. it's just so damn frustrating. I just want us to be able to get off dead center.
I guess this is long enough I could go on and on, but getting this much has helped a little. I may still have to go have that secret cry though :(
DH I live paycheck to paycheck with a little leftover every week/month and when we build up a little in savings something inevitably happens where that money is used, either for a house project or some unknown bill. I started cracking down and tracking our payments and making a budget and we've been doing rpetty good this year. It hasn't gotten to the point where I have to say "for the next 2 days we have to use the credit cad for anything we buy cuz there is $4 i nthe checking account until pay day". We lived like that for years and I was sick of it.
when I set up said budget I used a set amount of DH's paycheck every week based on the lowest weekly pay he would probably have. and it usually works out to be in our favor cuz it's generally between $50-$80 higher every week which is awesome!
But when he's out of work for a day or 2 it can really add up and things (bill payments) need to be shifted around and the effects are usually felt through the next few weeks.
2 weeks ago he was out on friday and then the following monday and tuesday cuz his back hurt and it was radiating down into his leg. he has a rather physical job and he did go to the doctor who told him he had to stay off his feet until it was better. it could be his sciatica, or something with the nerves or a disc, it could be a lot of things. if it continued to hurt or really got bad they would start running some tests.
Well today he stayed home from work again! It really makes me sick to my stomach that we're going to be dealing with another short paycheck next week. He doesn't have any more sick time (it's sick/vacation time together and his is all used up for the year. so time off is unpaid. he works for a friend for a small company, there's not a lot of flexibility, or there was until the company started to grow and now there's an employee manual so chris doens't get any special treatment like he used to.
I don't think he's faking, I don't think he's necessarily trying to just get a day off, he knows the effect it has on our finances, but he does have a short fuse and we've been down this road before where I'm compeltely 100% upfront and honest about the state of the finances and he gets so bent out of shape about working so hard and not being able to enjoy any of the money and spending it on things other then food/bills/other necessitites and we have a million projects that have been started and are in varying degrees of being finished and I think every one of them required more money to finish them. so he sits and stews over that. and in the past it's gotten bad enough that he was so disgusted about money and his job and not making enough that he quit (I know, totally the opposite of what we needed at the time). He's matured since then and I know he wouldn't put us in that kind of bind again, but I also know that he gets in that frame of mind he'll start to despise his job (which he genereally likes) and start to bring that disgust home and he'll be miserable and I can't handle him when he's like that.
I know that we're lucky to have jobs and we make decent money but neither of us have had raises in over 3 years now and that little extra bump in the paycheck every year really helped carry us over the humps and we've been stalled out for so long the little increases in the bills over that time are catching up more and more and I'm getting scared.
I don't want to put off TTC because we're at the point now where I'm going to have to start testing. I have decent coverage (80% covered for diagnostics) and a $15 office copay, so we can afford to start the testing, but if we have to do IUI or IVF, there's no way that's happening for a long time.
This is just one of those vents that I needed to put out there. I know we're not the only ones in this position and I know we'll get things back to "right" again, but right now I just feel like crying. I don't want Chris to feel bad and go to work and hurt himself worse where he's out for weeks at a time and I'm not mad at him for being hurt. I'm just really frustrated that this is happening. And now before the holidays, I haven't been able to splurge on gifts in like 6 years, that's hard for me, I love buying gifts. I've substituded by making gifts which I love to do, but it's not always easy and my time is worth something too. it's just so damn frustrating. I just want us to be able to get off dead center.
I guess this is long enough I could go on and on, but getting this much has helped a little. I may still have to go have that secret cry though :(
October 28, 2009
Nothing makes me want to cry more
I cannot fucking stand "You don't understand you don't have kids".
Take my fucking heart out and stomp on it why don't you.
As I sit here and fight back tears, this statement just gets me. I hear it and I physically hold my breath and my heart really skips a beat. I can't help it. It's totally involuntary. I just cannot handle hearing that statement. Nothing about TTC and not being pregnant yet hits me as hard as that does.
I know that the things I think about motherhood and having children will probably change when I do have kids. I get that. Things I thought I'd never do or say will come out of my mouth and from hands seemingly of their own volition. I get that.
But Do Not Tell me I don't understand because I don't have children. Like I haven't thought about being a mom and raising my kids every single day for the last 2 years (at a minimum). Just because there isn't a mini-me running around doesn't mean that I can't comprehend some facit (sp?) of what it will be like to raise my kids.
Especially when it all starts from spending $87 on a pair of freaking ugg boots. you have got to be kidding me! I have freaking common sense.
Take my fucking heart out and stomp on it why don't you.
As I sit here and fight back tears, this statement just gets me. I hear it and I physically hold my breath and my heart really skips a beat. I can't help it. It's totally involuntary. I just cannot handle hearing that statement. Nothing about TTC and not being pregnant yet hits me as hard as that does.
I know that the things I think about motherhood and having children will probably change when I do have kids. I get that. Things I thought I'd never do or say will come out of my mouth and from hands seemingly of their own volition. I get that.
But Do Not Tell me I don't understand because I don't have children. Like I haven't thought about being a mom and raising my kids every single day for the last 2 years (at a minimum). Just because there isn't a mini-me running around doesn't mean that I can't comprehend some facit (sp?) of what it will be like to raise my kids.
Especially when it all starts from spending $87 on a pair of freaking ugg boots. you have got to be kidding me! I have freaking common sense.
October 25, 2009
some more craft projects
These are some other crafty things over the years.
This is an ornament that I etched for my BFF. Her H designed this for their wedding invitations, their names are in the branches of the tree (Dan & Tina)
This is a little snowman guy I got at AC Moore and painted
This is something I made for my mom and my MIL for christmas one year. I just bought the glass pieces and put some potpurri(sp?) in the bowl and added a candle, nothing fancy but they liked it.
This is an ornament that I etched for my BFF. Her H designed this for their wedding invitations, their names are in the branches of the tree (Dan & Tina)
I traced the invitation onto contact paper using transfer paper (carbon copy paper) and then cut out the image using an exacto knife. I pealed off the contact paper from around the image (so the image stayed covered on the glass and used etching cream I dabbed it on the exposed glass, let it sit for 5 mins and then washed it off, so the frosted parts are the parts that had the cream and the clear glass was protected by the contact paper :) simple and cheap (the glass was $1 and the etch cream I had for wedding projects plus a little bottle goes a long way so if you make a lot of ornaments or other crafts the cost of the etch cream or bath can be spread out over the course of those projects).
This is a little snowman guy I got at AC Moore and painted
This was one of my favortie things. I saw this on display at AC Mooe and decided I had to recreate it. So I walked all over the store picking out all the different parts and what I'd need and had to keep coming back and staring at the display to make sure I got everything. I probably spent an hour there getting everything I needed. I think I spent maybe $60 total.
This is how I set it up in 2006.
And this is in 2007
This is something I made for my mom and my MIL for christmas one year. I just bought the glass pieces and put some potpurri(sp?) in the bowl and added a candle, nothing fancy but they liked it.
October 11, 2009
Baby and Wedding crafts
So I know I mentioned posting more of my craft pictures. DH is watching something boring on TV, so I'll take this time to at least get some pics up, perhaps I'll followup with directions at a later time :)
(I can't find a picture of the finished product, I know I have them somewhere - we wrapped with tulle and put a thank you tag on them with instructions to not let them burn unattended, that they were handmade. Luckily no one reported burning their house down :) We scented them with apple cinnimon and butter cookie :0)
BABY Projects:)
-Here are some finished taggie blankets I made.
-Here are some finished taggie blankets I made.
- I made this shadow box for my cousin's baby shower 2 years ago. The poem is called "baby's Choice" it's a real tear jerker, so beware :)
Wedding crafts
-DH and I made candles as our favors
(I can't find a picture of the finished product, I know I have them somewhere - we wrapped with tulle and put a thank you tag on them with instructions to not let them burn unattended, that they were handmade. Luckily no one reported burning their house down :) We scented them with apple cinnimon and butter cookie :0)
-Save the Dates, Rehearsal Dinner invite and Wedding invitation
-Escort Cards at the reception:)
- painted pots for the centerpieces and entranceway (the saying went around the rim so these are 3 shots of the same pot)
- painted pots for the centerpieces and entranceway (the saying went around the rim so these are 3 shots of the same pot)
(Finished product - I LOVED my flowers!)
I'll put the glass etching and any other projects I come across in my next post :)
September 25, 2009
cut the G-D grass!
argh - have to vent. if there was one thing I could change about Chris - have one wish for him - just one, it would be for him to care about the grass. to care what our yard looks like. not that I want a golf course-esque yard, or for him to even use the trimmer, just cut the grass on a fairly consistant schedule.
I don't mind cutting it, usually. but if I have other things to do, or just don't feel like it, I wish he would say wow, the grass is getting bad, I better cut it. NO - that has never once happened. never. he couldn't care less. and 9 times out of 10 I do have soemthing else I could/should be doing.
ARGH - it is so aggrevating! I hate having to be the one to bring it up al lthe time. i hate getting angry with him when he doens't step up to the plate. there is one hill in particular that i cannot stand (we only have a push mower). the damn mower pulls me down this hill and i hate it. i hate feeling like i might lose control.
I wrote this post in 7 mins. I just came in the house, I only have that little hill left to do, and I begged, hair matted to my face, sweat dripping down my neck as I pour a glass of lemonade to quench my thirst if he could please cut the hill. the hill is probably 10 swipes up and down, and maybe 40 feet long, not a huge deal, especially for him (who can control the mower better then I can). But now he sits on the couch flipping through a damn catalog while there is 10 mins of daylight left. this time of year I get home from work and literally get changed and start mowing just to get it done before dark.
we have a little over 1/3rd of an acre and tiny house and 1 car garage. I have added some gardens, but not many so there is a lot of grass to cut. when we bag the grass is takes 1 hours and 45 mins to cut....that's about how long I have from after work till it's too dark.
granted his job is physically harder then mine, I get it, he's tired. But COME ON!
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! I feel a little better but this has been stewing all summer. I've talked about it when I'm not cutting the grass, I've explained how I need his help, he always says I never ask for help (which is true) - well no wonder I never ask if he doesn't frekaing help when I DO ask!
I just needed to get that off my chest.
I don't mind cutting it, usually. but if I have other things to do, or just don't feel like it, I wish he would say wow, the grass is getting bad, I better cut it. NO - that has never once happened. never. he couldn't care less. and 9 times out of 10 I do have soemthing else I could/should be doing.
ARGH - it is so aggrevating! I hate having to be the one to bring it up al lthe time. i hate getting angry with him when he doens't step up to the plate. there is one hill in particular that i cannot stand (we only have a push mower). the damn mower pulls me down this hill and i hate it. i hate feeling like i might lose control.
I wrote this post in 7 mins. I just came in the house, I only have that little hill left to do, and I begged, hair matted to my face, sweat dripping down my neck as I pour a glass of lemonade to quench my thirst if he could please cut the hill. the hill is probably 10 swipes up and down, and maybe 40 feet long, not a huge deal, especially for him (who can control the mower better then I can). But now he sits on the couch flipping through a damn catalog while there is 10 mins of daylight left. this time of year I get home from work and literally get changed and start mowing just to get it done before dark.
we have a little over 1/3rd of an acre and tiny house and 1 car garage. I have added some gardens, but not many so there is a lot of grass to cut. when we bag the grass is takes 1 hours and 45 mins to cut....that's about how long I have from after work till it's too dark.
granted his job is physically harder then mine, I get it, he's tired. But COME ON!
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! I feel a little better but this has been stewing all summer. I've talked about it when I'm not cutting the grass, I've explained how I need his help, he always says I never ask for help (which is true) - well no wonder I never ask if he doesn't frekaing help when I DO ask!
I just needed to get that off my chest.
September 24, 2009
It feels so good to be crafting again :)
It's been so long!!!
I did so much for my wedding, not just crafts really, but the whole planning thing that I really was burnt out afterwards (I'm been married since May 19, 2007).
I have done a few things since then....last summer I helped one of my best friends etch wine glasses for her wedding favors. 2 years ago I made a sweet shadow box with a poem and some little baby things for my cousin's baby shower and did some crafts for that, but they were very minor. I really haven't taken on a big project in over a year. I didn't realize how bad I missed it.
Some projects I'm working on...
Invites for my BFF's baby shower :) The background image was designed by her H for their wedding. it's 2 tree intertwined and their names (Dan & Tina) are written in the branches (like the branches spell out their names). Unfortunately for the baby shower invite I had to put the date and time of the shower over their names, but under that it's says "Baby Derek". The "theme" is - adding a new limb to the family tree. Once again, her H came through and added the baby's name (not "in the tree" like their names, but at least it matches :) He also added a new little limb coming out into the heart a little bit. I know it's really hard to see, I should take a close up.
I'm really happy with how they turned out! :)
I'm also dabbling in Taggie blankets :) I have never ever sewn anyhting before, well not on a machine anyway. Chris actually taught me how :) He'd kill me if he knew I was admitting this though! I'm pretty sure he learned this in boy scouts, or if nothing else, in HS then. We never had Home-Ec in my HS (Catholic school, we were lucky if we had gym!) haha.
This one is longer and skinnier then the others I have cut out and I'm playing around with how I want to turn them inside out and close them up. (I didn't top stitch this one yet to close it - I'm scared and need to practice more). I also might stuff some with comething crinkly or fluffy, we'll see. I just hope the ribbons aren't too long - Chris has made me paranoid that they can be a choking hazard :( He just wants to scare me I think.
I already bought enough stuff to make probably 40 of these things, so I'm gonna make them whether he likes them or not :)
I have also claimed our kitchen table for my crafting supplies, we don't really use it for anything but a junk collector or mail collector anyway. maybe this will motivate us to work on my craft room over the winter.
Well one thing's for sure, it certainly has motivated me to get back into crafting, so check back as I post some past projects and come up with new ideas :) I usually get pretty inspired for Christmas, so who knows what fun stuff I'll come up with :)
August 9, 2009
Vacation - Day 1
Chris and I are on vacation in Maine - camping outside Acadia National Park on Mt. Desert Island. We're here with 11 other people, some our age, some our parent's age, all friends and having a GREAT time. I LOVE it up here. Chris and I came up 4 years ago for a long weekend and knew we'd be back. I'll take mountains over the beach any day and the fact that we're technically on the ocean makes it that much better :) Even though it's pretty chilly - mid 70s during the day and mid 50s at night, it's absolutely perfect here! I'll post pics when we get back, I think I've got some good ones :)
After the past few crazy weeks at work and the next few crazy months, this was perfect timing! also, no one will be staying in our camper and we're a few spots away from our friends, so we can get some sexy time in before I O probably next week when we get back. but honestly that's the furthest thing from my mind right now!! AAAhhhhhh - so peacful :)
I'll probably be back on with an update from time to time and then post a recap when we get back.
After the past few crazy weeks at work and the next few crazy months, this was perfect timing! also, no one will be staying in our camper and we're a few spots away from our friends, so we can get some sexy time in before I O probably next week when we get back. but honestly that's the furthest thing from my mind right now!! AAAhhhhhh - so peacful :)
I'll probably be back on with an update from time to time and then post a recap when we get back.
July 28, 2009
catch up
So I've been fairly silent lately...mostly because I've been so busy I keep telling myself "Oh I'll update my blog after ____". but one ___ turns into another ____ and I just haven't gotten around to it.
So a quick synopsis...
The weekend of July 18/19th was AWESOME! I had such a blast at my friend's in Ct I can't even tell you. Her brother, uncle, cousin and I had so much fun visiting her and her H, they were awesome hosts! They took us to an authentic german restaurant where we got to sing songs and wear silly hats and just laugh our asses off. it was great!
Last week was a bit of a blur, we did find out that our client was awarded the funding from the State from the application we put together, so we've all been scrambling to get the project in line for when the Authority decides to accept the offer (it should be a no-brainer, but stranger things have happened). They make their decision tonight, so fingers crossed they make the right choice!
What else last week.....um, not too much I guess.
This past weekend was Chris's 30th birthday and our church picnic. By "our church" I mean my church, that I don't attend nearly as much as I should. but it is the church I grew up in, went to Catholic grade school there, got married there, etc. Chris was raised Lutheran but hates the idea of organized religion, he really focuses too much on the negative aspect (usually the business side of church). He believes in God, he just doesn't believe in religion. Regardless, I don't let his views effect (affect?) mine and I don't push mine on him. But without his encouragement I do tend to find too many excuses on sunday mornings to not go to church.
Sorry for the tangent...anyway I do find time to go to the church picnic and this was one of the best years they had up there in ages. The picnic always gets rained out, every year. this year the rain held off until 9:30 on Sunday night, so Friday night was packed! I saw so many people I went to school with, but it's like a game, I like to see who I can see, but avoid actually talking to any of them :) My brother and my cousin got hammered, so that was highly entertaining. Oh yeah pretty much the best thing about the picnic is that they serve beer and homemade periogies....soo freaking good! :)
Saturday our friend's parents and other relatives had an auction so Chris was helping out with that and I went up to be nosy. I've never really gone to one before, and it's a good thing I went late cuz I'm pretty sure I would've spent all my savings on auction stuff! haha! (I have a small uncontrollable urge to buy antiques). We did end up with our friend's recliner, it's in good shape and apparently Chris mentioned he'd take it after I left and they gave it to him for nothing. we haven't actually picked it up yet and Lord only knows where we'll fit it in our shoe box size living room, but we'll come up with something.
After spending the afternoon making a pasta salad (like a caprese salad with tomatoes, mozzarella cheese, basil and garlic pasta salad), chocolate chip cookies and taco dip, I headed back to the Barn (an old barn our friend's uncle converted into a house - it's awesome!) and everyone gathered for a relaxing evening to celebrate Chris's birthday. due to the early start that morning for the auction it was probably the most laid back barn party we ever had. the fact that the bonfire was left unattended for hours was in-and-of-itself amazing. so the party ended before midnight but Chris and 2 buddies wanted to stay up, so I left him there and brought the dog home to go to bed.
Sunday was Chris's actual birthday and while he wasn't terribly hungover he was sleep deprived and did spend the whole day just napping, which was fine by me. it was too hot/humid to do anything outside so I just did some light cleaning/organizing, went to investigate the new Target that just opened with my mom and then we all went to the picnic again sunday night. We spent the night there with my nana and her friend and had a great time laughing and telling stories. We all met my brother's new potential girlfriend, or at least his latest bed buddy - haha, it's cool though, she seemed nice enough - Decision to be made at a later date.
Chris and I had to help close/hold the tent flaps when the massive thunderstorm came rolling in so the band's equipment didn't get wrecked. Luckily the storm didn't last long and we were home by 10pm.
So that brings us to this week. I'll save that for another post. :)
So a quick synopsis...
The weekend of July 18/19th was AWESOME! I had such a blast at my friend's in Ct I can't even tell you. Her brother, uncle, cousin and I had so much fun visiting her and her H, they were awesome hosts! They took us to an authentic german restaurant where we got to sing songs and wear silly hats and just laugh our asses off. it was great!
Last week was a bit of a blur, we did find out that our client was awarded the funding from the State from the application we put together, so we've all been scrambling to get the project in line for when the Authority decides to accept the offer (it should be a no-brainer, but stranger things have happened). They make their decision tonight, so fingers crossed they make the right choice!
What else last week.....um, not too much I guess.
This past weekend was Chris's 30th birthday and our church picnic. By "our church" I mean my church, that I don't attend nearly as much as I should. but it is the church I grew up in, went to Catholic grade school there, got married there, etc. Chris was raised Lutheran but hates the idea of organized religion, he really focuses too much on the negative aspect (usually the business side of church). He believes in God, he just doesn't believe in religion. Regardless, I don't let his views effect (affect?) mine and I don't push mine on him. But without his encouragement I do tend to find too many excuses on sunday mornings to not go to church.
Sorry for the tangent...anyway I do find time to go to the church picnic and this was one of the best years they had up there in ages. The picnic always gets rained out, every year. this year the rain held off until 9:30 on Sunday night, so Friday night was packed! I saw so many people I went to school with, but it's like a game, I like to see who I can see, but avoid actually talking to any of them :) My brother and my cousin got hammered, so that was highly entertaining. Oh yeah pretty much the best thing about the picnic is that they serve beer and homemade periogies....soo freaking good! :)
Saturday our friend's parents and other relatives had an auction so Chris was helping out with that and I went up to be nosy. I've never really gone to one before, and it's a good thing I went late cuz I'm pretty sure I would've spent all my savings on auction stuff! haha! (I have a small uncontrollable urge to buy antiques). We did end up with our friend's recliner, it's in good shape and apparently Chris mentioned he'd take it after I left and they gave it to him for nothing. we haven't actually picked it up yet and Lord only knows where we'll fit it in our shoe box size living room, but we'll come up with something.
After spending the afternoon making a pasta salad (like a caprese salad with tomatoes, mozzarella cheese, basil and garlic pasta salad), chocolate chip cookies and taco dip, I headed back to the Barn (an old barn our friend's uncle converted into a house - it's awesome!) and everyone gathered for a relaxing evening to celebrate Chris's birthday. due to the early start that morning for the auction it was probably the most laid back barn party we ever had. the fact that the bonfire was left unattended for hours was in-and-of-itself amazing. so the party ended before midnight but Chris and 2 buddies wanted to stay up, so I left him there and brought the dog home to go to bed.
Sunday was Chris's actual birthday and while he wasn't terribly hungover he was sleep deprived and did spend the whole day just napping, which was fine by me. it was too hot/humid to do anything outside so I just did some light cleaning/organizing, went to investigate the new Target that just opened with my mom and then we all went to the picnic again sunday night. We spent the night there with my nana and her friend and had a great time laughing and telling stories. We all met my brother's new potential girlfriend, or at least his latest bed buddy - haha, it's cool though, she seemed nice enough - Decision to be made at a later date.
Chris and I had to help close/hold the tent flaps when the massive thunderstorm came rolling in so the band's equipment didn't get wrecked. Luckily the storm didn't last long and we were home by 10pm.
So that brings us to this week. I'll save that for another post. :)
July 17, 2009
Ups and Downs
I have been up and down this week so much it's like I'm on a freaking roller coaster.
Ups
- 2 very special girls got their bfp's this week, both very deserving and very determined to achieve their goal of being mothers. Both are huge inspirations and I am truly and completely happy for them.
- We have a super good shot at getting some federal stimulus money for a huge project at work which would keep me busy for a long time!
- I'm working on planning a small (but fun) party for Chris's 30th birthday next weekend and up until last night it was going to be surprise and I was so proud of myself
- I am leaving tomorrow morning to go to CT to visit my BFF (who is 18 weeks pg) and I'm taking her super fun, slightly nutty cousin with me and we're going to have a freaking BLAST!
- I started reading Twilight and am loving it! :)
Downs
- Chris was such a freaking baby last night, freaking out over stupid shit, flying off the handle and getting compeltely wound up over trivial bullshit. Ugh, he really gets on my last nerves sometimes, trying to start a debate/arguement over non-issues. Then he proceeds to get sick, claiming he hasn't felt right all week....well he never mentioned this to me, how the hell am I supposed to know he's not feeling well?!?! I truly believe he subconsciously doesn't want me to go away this weekend. It's one freaking night....he'll live. but he really hates when I go somewhere without him (he'll be bored home without me...whatever). I have to try and plan my trips when he has something else he can do. he's a real big baby when it comes to this and it's probably the #1 thing that irks me. He just hates being away from me, which is all well and fine and lovely and all that shit, but seriously I want to spend some time with my best friend ALONE, like we used to. Her H has plans to go golfing all weekend and Chris doesn't golf....it's not my fault. He's just gonna be a gloomy grump about the whole thing and he should just suck it up and deal with it. God, it's so irritating! A lot of his other friends in the area are helping a buddy move some stuff this weekend and he was going to do that, but now that he's "sick" and all of a sudden his back hurts again he doesn't want to do that (read: he's lazy and wants me to feel bad and stay home). I'll also add that my BFF has lived in CT (3 hrs away) for 4 years and this will only be my 3rd trip to see her. I could easily leave tonight and have nearly 48 hours with her, but no, the poor freaking baby would damn near give me the silent treatment for sure if I did that and really piss me off and whine about it (and to be honest I can't really do that anymore cuz I'm taking BFF's cousin with me and she has plans tonight now, but had I planned in advance she would've been able to arrange her schedule...but I digress). I can't really afford to fight with him either cuz I'll be O-ing at some point in the next 3 days and after his little temper tantrum last night (and getting sick) he went to bed before I was ready and promptly fell asleep. and he started making plans for NEXT weekend last night on the phone that were completly different the ones we had been talking about and the ones I had his party planned around. so I had to tell him what I was up to, there was no way around it. (he's not big on birthday's or surprises so it's no real big loss, except that I was bummed about it).
- the only other "down" I have to vent about is the big funding project at work that I mentioned above, well I did about 60% of the work on the application and the agency making the funding decision should decide next week and my boss is making all kinds of arrangements for himself and client to go to H-burg to be there for the big announcement and totally forgetting I had anything to do with it (another lady in my office did about 15% and my boss did about 15% of the application). He's caught up in this cloud of dollar signs and forgetting who got him there. This is highly out of character for him, he's usually very appreciative and big on giving priase and acknowledging hard work....and to be honest I wouldn't want to go out and do the whole photo op thing with State reps and other nonsense....but a little "Atta-girl" would sure be nice!
So after re-reading it seems like the ups are all thanks to girls and the downs are all from stupid boys....hmm, no big surprise there :)
Ups
- 2 very special girls got their bfp's this week, both very deserving and very determined to achieve their goal of being mothers. Both are huge inspirations and I am truly and completely happy for them.
- We have a super good shot at getting some federal stimulus money for a huge project at work which would keep me busy for a long time!
- I'm working on planning a small (but fun) party for Chris's 30th birthday next weekend and up until last night it was going to be surprise and I was so proud of myself
- I am leaving tomorrow morning to go to CT to visit my BFF (who is 18 weeks pg) and I'm taking her super fun, slightly nutty cousin with me and we're going to have a freaking BLAST!
- I started reading Twilight and am loving it! :)
Downs
- Chris was such a freaking baby last night, freaking out over stupid shit, flying off the handle and getting compeltely wound up over trivial bullshit. Ugh, he really gets on my last nerves sometimes, trying to start a debate/arguement over non-issues. Then he proceeds to get sick, claiming he hasn't felt right all week....well he never mentioned this to me, how the hell am I supposed to know he's not feeling well?!?! I truly believe he subconsciously doesn't want me to go away this weekend. It's one freaking night....he'll live. but he really hates when I go somewhere without him (he'll be bored home without me...whatever). I have to try and plan my trips when he has something else he can do. he's a real big baby when it comes to this and it's probably the #1 thing that irks me. He just hates being away from me, which is all well and fine and lovely and all that shit, but seriously I want to spend some time with my best friend ALONE, like we used to. Her H has plans to go golfing all weekend and Chris doesn't golf....it's not my fault. He's just gonna be a gloomy grump about the whole thing and he should just suck it up and deal with it. God, it's so irritating! A lot of his other friends in the area are helping a buddy move some stuff this weekend and he was going to do that, but now that he's "sick" and all of a sudden his back hurts again he doesn't want to do that (read: he's lazy and wants me to feel bad and stay home). I'll also add that my BFF has lived in CT (3 hrs away) for 4 years and this will only be my 3rd trip to see her. I could easily leave tonight and have nearly 48 hours with her, but no, the poor freaking baby would damn near give me the silent treatment for sure if I did that and really piss me off and whine about it (and to be honest I can't really do that anymore cuz I'm taking BFF's cousin with me and she has plans tonight now, but had I planned in advance she would've been able to arrange her schedule...but I digress). I can't really afford to fight with him either cuz I'll be O-ing at some point in the next 3 days and after his little temper tantrum last night (and getting sick) he went to bed before I was ready and promptly fell asleep. and he started making plans for NEXT weekend last night on the phone that were completly different the ones we had been talking about and the ones I had his party planned around. so I had to tell him what I was up to, there was no way around it. (he's not big on birthday's or surprises so it's no real big loss, except that I was bummed about it).
- the only other "down" I have to vent about is the big funding project at work that I mentioned above, well I did about 60% of the work on the application and the agency making the funding decision should decide next week and my boss is making all kinds of arrangements for himself and client to go to H-burg to be there for the big announcement and totally forgetting I had anything to do with it (another lady in my office did about 15% and my boss did about 15% of the application). He's caught up in this cloud of dollar signs and forgetting who got him there. This is highly out of character for him, he's usually very appreciative and big on giving priase and acknowledging hard work....and to be honest I wouldn't want to go out and do the whole photo op thing with State reps and other nonsense....but a little "Atta-girl" would sure be nice!
So after re-reading it seems like the ups are all thanks to girls and the downs are all from stupid boys....hmm, no big surprise there :)
July 16, 2009
Twilight
I think I'm finally catching up with the rest of the world and started reading the Twilight series this week. I got through the 1st book in 3 days. I knew I would like them when I heard everyone else talking about them, but I was stubborn and played it off like I couldn't care less when others were talking about it. I kinda felt out of the loop but not enough to run out and buy them. The the hub-bub died down and I honestly forgot all about them, until a friend loaned myself and another friend the 1st book. my other friend didn't have time to start reading it, so I said I'd start and let her know if it was really worth it.
I'll say this, I like it alot! I was captivated fro mthe beginning, I needed to know what was next I needed to understand how 2 very different creatures could fall in love so easily and so eternally...but as I continued reading, I got annoyed. I kinda feel bad about this, thinking "I shouldn't be feeling this way". She used the word beautiful to describe Edward too much for my liking. and parts of it seemed like she was trying to hard, she'd use this big flowery (for lack of a better term) language to describe something rather simple....like she was "over describing" a scene or something, but it wasn't consistant, there were other parts where I was left feeling like she didn't describe a scene completely enough. I don't know, it was a weird feeling as I was reading. The feelings were fleeting, not enough to ruin it it by any means...like I said, I couldn't get enough, I still needed to know what happened next. I stayed up reading till 1:30am the 1st 2 nights (mostly because I didn't start reading both night until 11:30pm....last night I got an early start and finished up well before bed time :)
Now I just have to regain my life, catch up on things (namely sleep) that I had cast aside just to find out...what.happens.next. hahaha.
I'm not going to see my friend until at least next week sometime to get the next book which is probably for the best. I'm going to be busy the next days anyway, plus with O right around the corner I probably shouldn't ignore Chris too much ;-)
I'll say this, I like it alot! I was captivated fro mthe beginning, I needed to know what was next I needed to understand how 2 very different creatures could fall in love so easily and so eternally...but as I continued reading, I got annoyed. I kinda feel bad about this, thinking "I shouldn't be feeling this way". She used the word beautiful to describe Edward too much for my liking. and parts of it seemed like she was trying to hard, she'd use this big flowery (for lack of a better term) language to describe something rather simple....like she was "over describing" a scene or something, but it wasn't consistant, there were other parts where I was left feeling like she didn't describe a scene completely enough. I don't know, it was a weird feeling as I was reading. The feelings were fleeting, not enough to ruin it it by any means...like I said, I couldn't get enough, I still needed to know what happened next. I stayed up reading till 1:30am the 1st 2 nights (mostly because I didn't start reading both night until 11:30pm....last night I got an early start and finished up well before bed time :)
Now I just have to regain my life, catch up on things (namely sleep) that I had cast aside just to find out...what.happens.next. hahaha.
I'm not going to see my friend until at least next week sometime to get the next book which is probably for the best. I'm going to be busy the next days anyway, plus with O right around the corner I probably shouldn't ignore Chris too much ;-)
July 13, 2009
What a week!
Wow, I had so much fun when my aunt and cousin (A) and his daughter was home, I can't even explain! My mom's family rocks! She's one of 7, 6 girls, 1 boy and she's the youngest. She (and my dad) have the biggest house out of all the siblings so when her sister in Wisconsin is home to visit (all the other sisters live within an hour from us and the brother lives in WV and never comes home) we all hang out at her house. She's also the only one with a pool and all my cousin's kids just love that. I think there was at least one person in the pool for at least 12 hours a day. Now 2 of my other cousins live about an hour away each (near Philly) and they both have in ground pools so they are starting have some parties at their house too which is lots of fun!
Another cool thing was while they were home last week we found out A's fiance is having a GIRL!! She's due November 25th and their daughter (who is 8) is just Thrilled to have a baby sister.
All the baby talk and being around all my cousins kids for the week was a blast! We just had so much fun, I swear someone put a kid magnet in my bathing suit though, at one point I had 6 kids hanging off of me. I turn into a big kid when I'm around them though, it's so fun to just play for hours on end and not worry about the phone or paying bills or what time it was.
But I did have a meltdown on thursday night. My one aunt was drunk and she was taking to Chris about boy scouts and talking about how our son will be in boy scouts and our daughter will be in girl scouts and he'll be there with them at camp and on an on and on.....and I just shut down, she saw my face just fall. I couldn't hide it. I just couldn't handle hearing her talk about kids that I don't have. I know Chris will be awesome with them and is really looking forward to doing that kind of stuff with them....it was just hard to hear. She wasn't saying "when you have kids" she was saying "your kids will do____ when they grow up", making i sound like I'm already pg or have kids or something. Anyway, she didn't even know we're TTC but I couldn't hide the sadness so she pulled me aside and I told her why hearing her talk like that hurt me and why I was sad. We ahd a little heart to heart, a little cry and it was all good. I know she wasn't doing it on purpose and I'm glad she didn't call me out in front of the rest of the family to make me tell her why I was sad. So all in all it wasn't too bad.
Another cool thing was while they were home last week we found out A's fiance is having a GIRL!! She's due November 25th and their daughter (who is 8) is just Thrilled to have a baby sister.
All the baby talk and being around all my cousins kids for the week was a blast! We just had so much fun, I swear someone put a kid magnet in my bathing suit though, at one point I had 6 kids hanging off of me. I turn into a big kid when I'm around them though, it's so fun to just play for hours on end and not worry about the phone or paying bills or what time it was.
But I did have a meltdown on thursday night. My one aunt was drunk and she was taking to Chris about boy scouts and talking about how our son will be in boy scouts and our daughter will be in girl scouts and he'll be there with them at camp and on an on and on.....and I just shut down, she saw my face just fall. I couldn't hide it. I just couldn't handle hearing her talk about kids that I don't have. I know Chris will be awesome with them and is really looking forward to doing that kind of stuff with them....it was just hard to hear. She wasn't saying "when you have kids" she was saying "your kids will do____ when they grow up", making i sound like I'm already pg or have kids or something. Anyway, she didn't even know we're TTC but I couldn't hide the sadness so she pulled me aside and I told her why hearing her talk like that hurt me and why I was sad. We ahd a little heart to heart, a little cry and it was all good. I know she wasn't doing it on purpose and I'm glad she didn't call me out in front of the rest of the family to make me tell her why I was sad. So all in all it wasn't too bad.
July 7, 2009
a fun post!
I'm off to Knoebels in the morning with my family. It's this awesome, old style rustic FREE amusement park! you buy tickets for rides, the food is dirt cheap (and good!) and you can bring dogs!! we went camping here a few weeks ago and the dog did great, so I'm taking him (he's my kid, why the heck not, right?!) tomorrow and I cannot wait!
I'll blog about my family in the future, but suffice it to say there are 23 of us going tomorrow, wait, no make that 25! mostly my aunts and cousins, some of their husbands, 1 uncle, my brother and my cousin's kids....there's no way we'll all stick together but with that many people I'm sure we'll run into each other all over the park. It'll be a long exhausting day but so so awesome! :)
I'll blog about my family in the future, but suffice it to say there are 23 of us going tomorrow, wait, no make that 25! mostly my aunts and cousins, some of their husbands, 1 uncle, my brother and my cousin's kids....there's no way we'll all stick together but with that many people I'm sure we'll run into each other all over the park. It'll be a long exhausting day but so so awesome! :)
Well this is it
I just felt like I needed to start a blog. Not sure why. I have a lot on my mind, things that I can't put on facebook and things that I don't want to put on GP. I just wanted a place to write out what's on my mind...some things may be witty, but most will not. there will be times that I'll feel sorry for myself and times I'll want to be an AW. Let's just see how this whole thing plays out...shall we?
Let's start off with a little "woe is me". Yesterday sucked. Big time. Not only did I find out that I didn't pass the PE exam (professional engineers license exam) for the 2nd time but my period decided to start a day early. Now I'm normally a "glass is half full type of person", so the bright side is I was only spotting so DH and I had one last romp in the sack before the weekend (typically it's 4 days long) and I had no cramps. so that's the good. I really never got my hopes up, the only thing I was holding out hope for was that I'd be able to tell me Aunt in person who is home from Wisconsin until the 11th. but other then that I felt no different then any other cycle and in fact I only had a day or 2 of phantom symptoms. so yeah, no real dreams were shattered this go round. So we're just going to keep on going for the next few months, no charting, just throwing out each cycle to God to see what happens and visit the idea of seeing the doctor about it in the fall.
and as far as my test is concerned. I'm taking a break and not going for it in october. I stil lsuck at the stuff I don't do everyday and will make a valient effort to concentrate super hard on those areas in the fall/winter and tackle that thing again next april. I just can't get back on that horse right now...it's expensive and I don't want to waste my time or money when I have absolutely no desire to study.
Let's start off with a little "woe is me". Yesterday sucked. Big time. Not only did I find out that I didn't pass the PE exam (professional engineers license exam) for the 2nd time but my period decided to start a day early. Now I'm normally a "glass is half full type of person", so the bright side is I was only spotting so DH and I had one last romp in the sack before the weekend (typically it's 4 days long) and I had no cramps. so that's the good. I really never got my hopes up, the only thing I was holding out hope for was that I'd be able to tell me Aunt in person who is home from Wisconsin until the 11th. but other then that I felt no different then any other cycle and in fact I only had a day or 2 of phantom symptoms. so yeah, no real dreams were shattered this go round. So we're just going to keep on going for the next few months, no charting, just throwing out each cycle to God to see what happens and visit the idea of seeing the doctor about it in the fall.
and as far as my test is concerned. I'm taking a break and not going for it in october. I stil lsuck at the stuff I don't do everyday and will make a valient effort to concentrate super hard on those areas in the fall/winter and tackle that thing again next april. I just can't get back on that horse right now...it's expensive and I don't want to waste my time or money when I have absolutely no desire to study.
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