so the dog appears to be doing a bit better, and by better I mean he's acting a bit more normal but still not really eating any more and giving him his pills is still an adventure although he did take to the pizza crust idea last night. this morning was a bit more challenging as he wasn't nearly as enthustiastic and as he would chew the crust bits of the pills were falling out so I had to scope them up in more crust only to have them fall out again, thus beginning the long cycle until all the pieces were gone.
Or so I thought until I went home for lunch and really noticed all the little pieces on the floor probably equalling 1/2 of one of the pills. so I tried scoping them up in cream cheese which he ate with half interest until finally giving up. with 2 pieces to go and not wanting to over-do the pizza crust I tried liverwurst. Well this is a very close 2nd place to the pizza crust :) and I can make them smaller than crust pieces and he doesn't have to chew it hardly at all so it's less likely the crumbs will get spit out.
so that's the little upswing, the downswing is that there are layoffs and hour/payscale reductions going on and while I'm safe I still feel sick to my stomach, like literally nausueas. (to the point I can't spell, but I don't care apparently). this is the 3rd year in a row and I just can't handle it. Every year its worse and harder to take. I want to cry, I really do, but right now I can't. we have another meeting this afternoon to get the names and talk about where our projects stand and where we go from here, so with my luck that's when the water works will start.
ugh, this is awful and heartbreaking and sickening and stressful. and it sucks.
January 21, 2010
January 19, 2010
Druppy Update
Okay we're home, I'm going to write this out while its still on my brain.
We don't know what it is yet, but we do know it's probably not his kidneys, it's probably not cancer and the blood protein is not leaking into his abdomen. the 2 most likely causes are a malfunctioning liver and an inflammed intestine. The Liver is could possibly be the culprit but the probable reason is the inflammed intsetine.
The plan of action is to give him 10 days of 2 anitbiotics and also de-worming medicine. None of these can hurt and if the inflammation is caused by an infection we should see both the white blood cell count go down and the blood protein go up. (the vet said it could be that immediate). So we'll get a repeat CBC next thursday. and go from there.
She said his prostate was enlarged but after a rectal exam it was deterimined that was not a real problem. she checked for any noduals or signs of tumors and didn't feel any nor did she see any.
We asked about the abcesses we found on his head and in his ear (basically they're pimples) and she said that ear infections are normally localized and highly unlikely to be the cause (she sees 100-200 ear infection cases a year and hundreds of sick dogs a year. It's likely she will not see another low blood protein problem for 2 or 3 years, that's how rare this is). And it is very serious and life threatening.
She also said that him not getting protein through his diet (from not eating) would not cause the levels to be as low as they are. either the liver isn't making them or they are not getting absorbed through the instestinal walls and they're passing in the stool.
The hope is that the inflammation will go down and the blood protein levels and weight go up.
If that doesn't happen the next step is a liver function test. this would confirm that the liver is not making protein and he's in liver failure or the liver is making protein thus meaning it's an intestinal problem. the only way to see if its intestinal is to do a biopsy with an endoscope or exploritory surgery. the whole bowel isn't inflammed so finding just the right spot would be tough with an endoscope. Both options are about the same price and are probably out of our budget (she didn't give numbers, but that's what we're thinking). x-Rays are still on the table which would help give them a better picture of what they're dealing with.
Or hope and prayers are that the antibiotics knock down the inflammation and his numbers start to regulate.
We don't know what it is yet, but we do know it's probably not his kidneys, it's probably not cancer and the blood protein is not leaking into his abdomen. the 2 most likely causes are a malfunctioning liver and an inflammed intestine. The Liver is could possibly be the culprit but the probable reason is the inflammed intsetine.
The plan of action is to give him 10 days of 2 anitbiotics and also de-worming medicine. None of these can hurt and if the inflammation is caused by an infection we should see both the white blood cell count go down and the blood protein go up. (the vet said it could be that immediate). So we'll get a repeat CBC next thursday. and go from there.
She said his prostate was enlarged but after a rectal exam it was deterimined that was not a real problem. she checked for any noduals or signs of tumors and didn't feel any nor did she see any.
We asked about the abcesses we found on his head and in his ear (basically they're pimples) and she said that ear infections are normally localized and highly unlikely to be the cause (she sees 100-200 ear infection cases a year and hundreds of sick dogs a year. It's likely she will not see another low blood protein problem for 2 or 3 years, that's how rare this is). And it is very serious and life threatening.
She also said that him not getting protein through his diet (from not eating) would not cause the levels to be as low as they are. either the liver isn't making them or they are not getting absorbed through the instestinal walls and they're passing in the stool.
The hope is that the inflammation will go down and the blood protein levels and weight go up.
If that doesn't happen the next step is a liver function test. this would confirm that the liver is not making protein and he's in liver failure or the liver is making protein thus meaning it's an intestinal problem. the only way to see if its intestinal is to do a biopsy with an endoscope or exploritory surgery. the whole bowel isn't inflammed so finding just the right spot would be tough with an endoscope. Both options are about the same price and are probably out of our budget (she didn't give numbers, but that's what we're thinking). x-Rays are still on the table which would help give them a better picture of what they're dealing with.
Or hope and prayers are that the antibiotics knock down the inflammation and his numbers start to regulate.
My poor little dog :(
I guess its time to update my blogger friends about my dog.
My dog Druppy is a cocker spaniel we adopted about 6 years ago at the age of 2, so he's roughly 8 years old (in fact I think his brithday is this week sometime, I'll have to see if I can find the papers). He came with the name "druppy", pronounced "droopy" and I didn't have the heart the change his name because in my mind he would know if we spelled it differently. haha. To be honest it never really crossed my mind. One look at him and you can tell the name just fits him and changing the spelling just didn't occur to me.
(I'll add pictures at home, I don't have any good ones at work)
He's been generally healthy the whole time we've had him aside from ear infections and some skin allergies. (completely normal in cockers).
About 2 months ago he had a bout of diarrehea out of the blue and we fed him chicken and rice to get him back on track. since then he's been less and less interested in his dry dog food and sometime just after Christmas he went a few days without eating. To get him back on track we tried the chicken and rice again in his dry dog food to entice him to eat. the little bugger picked out the chicken and rice and left the dog food. Okay, so we htought we'd try a different dog food so I got some from mom's dog. Under normal circumstances if there was any food in Rusty's (my mom's dog) bowl Druppy would eat it right up even if he just ate his whole dinner. Well he barely picked at it. So we kept up with the chicken and rice for a few more days and I bought an entirely different, more natural dog food to try and nothing, barely looked at it. This takes me to around New year's. He started eating less and less chicken and rice at every feeding and last weekend Chris noticed how much more prominent his bones were and we were afraid he was losing too much weight.
so last tuesday I took him to the vet. he was down to 27 lbs and his average was around 32-33 lbs. so he dropped over 5 lbs. 27 lbs is still considered healthy for a cocker but it's definitely under weight for him. So the vet wanted to do some blood work and get some xrays. Well this isn't cheap. I absolutely hate (to the point of nearly making myself sick to my stomach) that medical decisions have to be made based on money.
The Beginning of the year is always hard financially. Even thought it's not much my paycheck almost always goes down due to new insurance costs and of theings that are taken out of my pay check, plus my mortgage went up slightly with escrow recalculations plus just getting the bank account back on track after the holidays. Admittedly we did not save as much as we should've from the money we recieved as gifts, mostly because we were not really spending any money on the house or ourselves for quite a few months and it felt nice to be able to splurge a little. Boy am I ever regretting that now.
So thursday I decided to try to feed him some dog food in peanut butter. Big mistake! Friday he had such bad diarrehea I felt awful. He pretty much wanted nothing to do wit hthe chicken and rice so we decided to try some wet dog food. Now in the past I have avoided giving him soft treats and moist dog food becuase it always made him have soft stool. maybe he's always had a sensitive stomach, who knows. but we couldn't let him go without eating. Well he loved the dog food! he didn't a whole lot, maybe 1/3-1/2 a can that night but it was great to see him so interested in eating. I also called the vet to schedule his blood work as I was afraid the diarrehea might not go away. But saturday morning it was more formed and mucus-y so I thought he might be on the mend (and pretty much decided the peanut butter was a terrible idea!) but I did take him in for his blood work. We had to wait until yesterday for the results, but over the course of the weekend he was acting a bit more energetic (which would still be lazy compared to most dogs - Druppy is by far one of the the laziest dogs ever, but he's a good dog and a perfect fit for us :) so we were optimistic that this was passing and the more he ate the better he would be. We went from hoping the bloodwork would find something fixable, to hoping the blood work would come back normal and he was going to fix himself.
So yesterday I got a call from the vet. His White Blood Cell count was Very high, it was 35,400 when the normal level is 10,000. Last March I had them do a blood panel on him to get some base numbers and I'm glad I did. His level last year was 12,500 so even then it was a bit high. She said this could indicate an infection or cancer (gulp).
What was more alarming to the vet was his very low blood protein. So either he's not making any protein (liver problems) or he's losing protein which happens 1 of 3 ways: 1. through the kidneys, but they don't think this is it b/c his urine sample was ok, 2. in abdonimal spaces, but they don't think this is it, but it's hard to say, 3. Through his intestines. This is the most likely cuase given the issues with the diarrehea and not eating. the vet said his numbers are quite serious and could be life threatening. YIKES!
She ultimately recommended an abdominal ultra sound, since the cause is more likely liver or intestinal and that gives a better view of the abdomin then an xray. That the chest is better viewed via an xray but it's less likely that the problem is in the chest. it's hard to say though, she's just going on a slight chance. I don't blame her for not really commiting to one cause over the other becuase shedoesn't have all the info yet. lucky for us the ultrasound is slightly cheaper then the xrays so I'm glad we're trying that first. But with that said, there's no way we can afford the xrays right now after the ultrasound if it comes down to that. I already had to do some financial flanangling to have the money for this test. Using a credit card is just not an option for us right now.
So I just dropped him off at the vet. this makes 3 visits in a week and I know he hates that place. the minute I get him in the door he turns and puts his nose to it that he wants to go back out. when I go to sit on the bench he starts shaking (only time/place he ever does that).
Leaving him there I just felt horrible. Just awful. I know he's a dog and I know many people say that dogs are like children so in that sense I guess I'm getting a little taste of what it's like to have to leave your child in the hospital knowing they are getting tests run and it's an awful awful feeling. I can't concentrate, feel sick, can't stop the tears from welling up, can't shake the frown on my face.
I don't know if I want them to find something or not. I don't know how we're going to fix him :(
My dog Druppy is a cocker spaniel we adopted about 6 years ago at the age of 2, so he's roughly 8 years old (in fact I think his brithday is this week sometime, I'll have to see if I can find the papers). He came with the name "druppy", pronounced "droopy" and I didn't have the heart the change his name because in my mind he would know if we spelled it differently. haha. To be honest it never really crossed my mind. One look at him and you can tell the name just fits him and changing the spelling just didn't occur to me.
(I'll add pictures at home, I don't have any good ones at work)
He's been generally healthy the whole time we've had him aside from ear infections and some skin allergies. (completely normal in cockers).
About 2 months ago he had a bout of diarrehea out of the blue and we fed him chicken and rice to get him back on track. since then he's been less and less interested in his dry dog food and sometime just after Christmas he went a few days without eating. To get him back on track we tried the chicken and rice again in his dry dog food to entice him to eat. the little bugger picked out the chicken and rice and left the dog food. Okay, so we htought we'd try a different dog food so I got some from mom's dog. Under normal circumstances if there was any food in Rusty's (my mom's dog) bowl Druppy would eat it right up even if he just ate his whole dinner. Well he barely picked at it. So we kept up with the chicken and rice for a few more days and I bought an entirely different, more natural dog food to try and nothing, barely looked at it. This takes me to around New year's. He started eating less and less chicken and rice at every feeding and last weekend Chris noticed how much more prominent his bones were and we were afraid he was losing too much weight.
so last tuesday I took him to the vet. he was down to 27 lbs and his average was around 32-33 lbs. so he dropped over 5 lbs. 27 lbs is still considered healthy for a cocker but it's definitely under weight for him. So the vet wanted to do some blood work and get some xrays. Well this isn't cheap. I absolutely hate (to the point of nearly making myself sick to my stomach) that medical decisions have to be made based on money.
The Beginning of the year is always hard financially. Even thought it's not much my paycheck almost always goes down due to new insurance costs and of theings that are taken out of my pay check, plus my mortgage went up slightly with escrow recalculations plus just getting the bank account back on track after the holidays. Admittedly we did not save as much as we should've from the money we recieved as gifts, mostly because we were not really spending any money on the house or ourselves for quite a few months and it felt nice to be able to splurge a little. Boy am I ever regretting that now.
So thursday I decided to try to feed him some dog food in peanut butter. Big mistake! Friday he had such bad diarrehea I felt awful. He pretty much wanted nothing to do wit hthe chicken and rice so we decided to try some wet dog food. Now in the past I have avoided giving him soft treats and moist dog food becuase it always made him have soft stool. maybe he's always had a sensitive stomach, who knows. but we couldn't let him go without eating. Well he loved the dog food! he didn't a whole lot, maybe 1/3-1/2 a can that night but it was great to see him so interested in eating. I also called the vet to schedule his blood work as I was afraid the diarrehea might not go away. But saturday morning it was more formed and mucus-y so I thought he might be on the mend (and pretty much decided the peanut butter was a terrible idea!) but I did take him in for his blood work. We had to wait until yesterday for the results, but over the course of the weekend he was acting a bit more energetic (which would still be lazy compared to most dogs - Druppy is by far one of the the laziest dogs ever, but he's a good dog and a perfect fit for us :) so we were optimistic that this was passing and the more he ate the better he would be. We went from hoping the bloodwork would find something fixable, to hoping the blood work would come back normal and he was going to fix himself.
So yesterday I got a call from the vet. His White Blood Cell count was Very high, it was 35,400 when the normal level is 10,000. Last March I had them do a blood panel on him to get some base numbers and I'm glad I did. His level last year was 12,500 so even then it was a bit high. She said this could indicate an infection or cancer (gulp).
What was more alarming to the vet was his very low blood protein. So either he's not making any protein (liver problems) or he's losing protein which happens 1 of 3 ways: 1. through the kidneys, but they don't think this is it b/c his urine sample was ok, 2. in abdonimal spaces, but they don't think this is it, but it's hard to say, 3. Through his intestines. This is the most likely cuase given the issues with the diarrehea and not eating. the vet said his numbers are quite serious and could be life threatening. YIKES!
She ultimately recommended an abdominal ultra sound, since the cause is more likely liver or intestinal and that gives a better view of the abdomin then an xray. That the chest is better viewed via an xray but it's less likely that the problem is in the chest. it's hard to say though, she's just going on a slight chance. I don't blame her for not really commiting to one cause over the other becuase shedoesn't have all the info yet. lucky for us the ultrasound is slightly cheaper then the xrays so I'm glad we're trying that first. But with that said, there's no way we can afford the xrays right now after the ultrasound if it comes down to that. I already had to do some financial flanangling to have the money for this test. Using a credit card is just not an option for us right now.
So I just dropped him off at the vet. this makes 3 visits in a week and I know he hates that place. the minute I get him in the door he turns and puts his nose to it that he wants to go back out. when I go to sit on the bench he starts shaking (only time/place he ever does that).
Leaving him there I just felt horrible. Just awful. I know he's a dog and I know many people say that dogs are like children so in that sense I guess I'm getting a little taste of what it's like to have to leave your child in the hospital knowing they are getting tests run and it's an awful awful feeling. I can't concentrate, feel sick, can't stop the tears from welling up, can't shake the frown on my face.
I don't know if I want them to find something or not. I don't know how we're going to fix him :(
January 15, 2010
My thoughts, all summed up
I found this poem on a friend's blog who is also struggling with IF and to say it pretty much sums up my thoughts might very well e the biggest understatement ever.
After I read it I knew I wanted to have it saved in a place that I could read over and over again. I can relate to nearly every line and I want to be able to find the hope in the message when I need it most.
One Day
One Day I will no longer look forward to treatments
I won’t have to inject myself
Our sex life will be just that…Ours
Making love will be simply making love
Infertility won’t haunt my daily thoughts
My hopes won’t be crushed after every cycle
I won’t cry inside when I hear a friend is pregnant…
Or when my period comes, inevitably, every month
I won’t constantly hunt for information
Or try to decipher the “signals” that my body is sending me
Or wonder if something I eat, drink, do, see, think could prevent pregnancy
And…One Day I will be the one with two lines
Scared every day to lose a life inside of me
Experiencing morning sickness
Swollen, painful breasts
Swollen ankles
Fatigue
And the joy of becoming rounder everyday
I will discuss pregnancy and motherhood with other women as an equal
I will hear a heart beating inside me that is not my own
I will see a tiny “bean” grow into a Baby on ultrasound
I will buy tiny clothes, cribs, strollers, carseats
I will prepare a nursery fit for royalty
One Day I will feel contractions grip my body
And feel the anticipation of meeting my Little One
And rush to the hospital
My husband will be nervous
And we will get through this, too…together
And we will meet Our Baby…our precious, beautiful Baby, that WE created
We will count ten fingers and toes
We will wonder who he/she looks like
We will finally announce the arrival of Our Baby to our families
And we will take Our Baby home
To the nursery fit for royalty
And count our blessings
And cuddle our Little One endlessly
And know how truly, truly blessed we are
I believe that one day we will have all this, and more.
After I read it I knew I wanted to have it saved in a place that I could read over and over again. I can relate to nearly every line and I want to be able to find the hope in the message when I need it most.
One Day
One Day I will no longer look forward to treatments
I won’t have to inject myself
Our sex life will be just that…Ours
Making love will be simply making love
Infertility won’t haunt my daily thoughts
My hopes won’t be crushed after every cycle
I won’t cry inside when I hear a friend is pregnant…
Or when my period comes, inevitably, every month
I won’t constantly hunt for information
Or try to decipher the “signals” that my body is sending me
Or wonder if something I eat, drink, do, see, think could prevent pregnancy
And…One Day I will be the one with two lines
Scared every day to lose a life inside of me
Experiencing morning sickness
Swollen, painful breasts
Swollen ankles
Fatigue
And the joy of becoming rounder everyday
I will discuss pregnancy and motherhood with other women as an equal
I will hear a heart beating inside me that is not my own
I will see a tiny “bean” grow into a Baby on ultrasound
I will buy tiny clothes, cribs, strollers, carseats
I will prepare a nursery fit for royalty
One Day I will feel contractions grip my body
And feel the anticipation of meeting my Little One
And rush to the hospital
My husband will be nervous
And we will get through this, too…together
And we will meet Our Baby…our precious, beautiful Baby, that WE created
We will count ten fingers and toes
We will wonder who he/she looks like
We will finally announce the arrival of Our Baby to our families
And we will take Our Baby home
To the nursery fit for royalty
And count our blessings
And cuddle our Little One endlessly
And know how truly, truly blessed we are
I believe that one day we will have all this, and more.
January 12, 2010
I want to be a statistic!
The HSG is over, my tubes are clear. my uterus looks fine, nothing weird or out of place. so that's that.
The procedure went fine, obviously the pg test they made me take first was negative. the nurse went over al lthe paperwork with me, explained everything just fine. I got to the hospital with plenty of time to spare. the prep work took a while compared to the test itself. the scapula and the catheter for the dye didnt't really hurt at all, I did take 3 ibuprofin before the test so I'm sure that helped. the dye was extremely uncomfortable and thank God it only lasted a few mins. They said I did great that, and as soon as it was over I felt 98% normal. wearing a pad is not at all fun, haven't do that since 9th grade I think.
The Phys. Assist showed me everything on the screen after it was over. that was kinda cool.
She definitely said to try this cycle because if there was a small blockage it would've been pushed out of the way so there's a good chance of getting pg this cycle if a small blockage was the culprit.
So here's hoping I'm in the category of "cleared out the cobwebs and got pg after an HSG procedure" :)
I'm not sure when Chris will go for the S/A, some days he's on board, other days he's not.
The procedure went fine, obviously the pg test they made me take first was negative. the nurse went over al lthe paperwork with me, explained everything just fine. I got to the hospital with plenty of time to spare. the prep work took a while compared to the test itself. the scapula and the catheter for the dye didnt't really hurt at all, I did take 3 ibuprofin before the test so I'm sure that helped. the dye was extremely uncomfortable and thank God it only lasted a few mins. They said I did great that, and as soon as it was over I felt 98% normal. wearing a pad is not at all fun, haven't do that since 9th grade I think.
The Phys. Assist showed me everything on the screen after it was over. that was kinda cool.
She definitely said to try this cycle because if there was a small blockage it would've been pushed out of the way so there's a good chance of getting pg this cycle if a small blockage was the culprit.
So here's hoping I'm in the category of "cleared out the cobwebs and got pg after an HSG procedure" :)
I'm not sure when Chris will go for the S/A, some days he's on board, other days he's not.
January 11, 2010
HSG tomorrow
I forgot to update that I got my HSG procedure scheduled for tomorrow. I'm treating myself to a full day off work :) My doctor said my cervix should be easily accessible so it should be a fairly straightforward procedure. And I should know the results right away. and of course I'll post them here so stay tuned :)
Here's a little HSG description I found online.
HYSTEROSALPINOGRAM (HSG):
This test is used to examine a woman's uterus and fallopian tubes. It is essentially an x-ray procedure in which a radio-opaque dye is injected through the cervix into the uterus and fallopian tubes. This "dye" appears white on the x-ray, and allows the radiologist and your doctor to see if there are any abnormalities, such as an unusually shaped uterus, tumors, scar tissue or blockages in the fallopian tubes. If you are trying to get pregnant in the same cycle as an HSG, make sure to schedule the test PRIOR to ovulation so that there is no danger of "flushing out" a released egg or developing embryo. Although most women report only minor cramping and short-term discomfort during this procedure, some women, especially those who DO have blockages, report intense pain. Speak to your doctor about taking a pain medication about 30 minutes prior to the actual procedure.
Here's a little HSG description I found online.
HYSTEROSALPINOGRAM (HSG):
This test is used to examine a woman's uterus and fallopian tubes. It is essentially an x-ray procedure in which a radio-opaque dye is injected through the cervix into the uterus and fallopian tubes. This "dye" appears white on the x-ray, and allows the radiologist and your doctor to see if there are any abnormalities, such as an unusually shaped uterus, tumors, scar tissue or blockages in the fallopian tubes. If you are trying to get pregnant in the same cycle as an HSG, make sure to schedule the test PRIOR to ovulation so that there is no danger of "flushing out" a released egg or developing embryo. Although most women report only minor cramping and short-term discomfort during this procedure, some women, especially those who DO have blockages, report intense pain. Speak to your doctor about taking a pain medication about 30 minutes prior to the actual procedure.
January 7, 2010
Baby Pictures
no, not mine :)
Here are some pictures of Weston Daniel born on 12/30/09.
We got him all decked out to celebrate his 1st New Years Eve :)
Enjoying a little play time with mommy on his boppy
Here are some pictures of Weston Daniel born on 12/30/09.
We got him all decked out to celebrate his 1st New Years Eve :)
Enjoying a little play time with mommy on his boppy
Hanging out with Aunt Andrea
Where's Weston??
There he is! (but not really a fan)
Meeting Aunt Jenn
Stay tuned for more :)
January 5, 2010
Unanswered Prayers
well today is CD 1...bet ya can't guess what today's post is about ;) haha.
I actually heard this song on my way home from work at lunch time today. I wasn't even paying attention to the radio actually (yes I'm in the 0.05% of the population that does not own an iPod or a Satellite radio) and all of a sudden I heard those words "Sometimes God's greatest gifts are Unanswered Prayers".
After yesterday's post I was really quite hopeful..thinking 'wow, wouldn't that be something if we just started all of these tests and all of our friends are having their babies and somehow we had a little Christmas Magic'. (I know, I'm ever the optimist ;)
Well that didn't happen! oh well. AF showed up this morning, 2 days early mind you and I was definitely shocked. and disappointed. But I shrugged my shoulders and moved on with my day.
But then that song came on and my world just kinda seemed to "right itself". I know I don't go to Church much, but I do believe in God, always have and always will. He's there for me even when I least expect it.
There's a reason He didn't answer my prayers in High School to make Mark Mearhoff realize I was head over heels for him. Or in college when all I wanted was to be Scott Herb's girlfriend....nope I had to wait for Chris. And he came into my life when I least expected it! I mean literally...me, who really never had a boyfriend (except John Dagan who I'm technically still dating since Junior year b/c we never really broke up) was actually dating (or more appropriately 'sleeping with') someone and was not looking for a boyfriend At All!...probably for the first time in my whole life. but there he was that cold January night, drunk off his ass just trying to get me to kiss him while I was drunk trying to get into someone elses bed...true love I tell ya, true love :)
but my point is I know God is in my day to day life, I know He's here and I know He loves me and cares for me. He doesn't have to answer every prayer I have for me to know that. I don't doubt Him. I know He has a plan for me. I know He isn't going to abandon me and my prayers because I'm seeking medical treatment or because I rarely go to church. He knows I'm a good person who lives each day trying to do good and be a positive person. He won't abandon me. He won't take away the one and only dream I've ever really had.
I know He will answer my prayers on His own terms in His own time.
And I'm okay with that.
I actually heard this song on my way home from work at lunch time today. I wasn't even paying attention to the radio actually (yes I'm in the 0.05% of the population that does not own an iPod or a Satellite radio) and all of a sudden I heard those words "Sometimes God's greatest gifts are Unanswered Prayers".
After yesterday's post I was really quite hopeful..thinking 'wow, wouldn't that be something if we just started all of these tests and all of our friends are having their babies and somehow we had a little Christmas Magic'. (I know, I'm ever the optimist ;)
Well that didn't happen! oh well. AF showed up this morning, 2 days early mind you and I was definitely shocked. and disappointed. But I shrugged my shoulders and moved on with my day.
But then that song came on and my world just kinda seemed to "right itself". I know I don't go to Church much, but I do believe in God, always have and always will. He's there for me even when I least expect it.
There's a reason He didn't answer my prayers in High School to make Mark Mearhoff realize I was head over heels for him. Or in college when all I wanted was to be Scott Herb's girlfriend....nope I had to wait for Chris. And he came into my life when I least expected it! I mean literally...me, who really never had a boyfriend (except John Dagan who I'm technically still dating since Junior year b/c we never really broke up) was actually dating (or more appropriately 'sleeping with') someone and was not looking for a boyfriend At All!...probably for the first time in my whole life. but there he was that cold January night, drunk off his ass just trying to get me to kiss him while I was drunk trying to get into someone elses bed...true love I tell ya, true love :)
but my point is I know God is in my day to day life, I know He's here and I know He loves me and cares for me. He doesn't have to answer every prayer I have for me to know that. I don't doubt Him. I know He has a plan for me. I know He isn't going to abandon me and my prayers because I'm seeking medical treatment or because I rarely go to church. He knows I'm a good person who lives each day trying to do good and be a positive person. He won't abandon me. He won't take away the one and only dream I've ever really had.
I know He will answer my prayers on His own terms in His own time.
And I'm okay with that.
January 4, 2010
one of those days
So I was "on vacation" for a week - I still had to work a few days, just a few hours though, nothing serious. and today I had to go back to work for a full 8 hrs. I realized how much I loved being off. most of the time I had off I spent with my friend and her brand new baby. It was amazing. Amazing to experience all of those "firsts" and just be there in the presence of a new born for hours on end. to watch him meet his family and all his "aunts" and "uncles" and experience the love that everyone has for this new little life. and then today to have to go back to my life where no one knows him and act like he didn't just enter this world, that there are other things going on that he's not a part of....okay, I have to stop, because I realize this is crazy.
I'm acting like he's mine and I just dropped him off at cay care or something. but I had to get this out of my head.
Today was definitely one of those days that I wished I was pregnant. That I wished I staying home with my LO (little one) or telling stories about my own baby.
I would not trade those first few days that I got to witness and be a helper for anything in the world. If nothing else it just reinforced the fact that I am ready for this, that I do want this, that I will have this.
I am not sad, I am determined. I am not angry, I am hopeful. I am not disheartened, I am Uplifted.
New year, new life, new hope...I have it :)
(oh, but please say a few extra prayers, he had to go into the hospital yesterday to treat his jaundice. he's already getting better and should come home tomorrow!)
I'm acting like he's mine and I just dropped him off at cay care or something. but I had to get this out of my head.
Today was definitely one of those days that I wished I was pregnant. That I wished I staying home with my LO (little one) or telling stories about my own baby.
I would not trade those first few days that I got to witness and be a helper for anything in the world. If nothing else it just reinforced the fact that I am ready for this, that I do want this, that I will have this.
I am not sad, I am determined. I am not angry, I am hopeful. I am not disheartened, I am Uplifted.
New year, new life, new hope...I have it :)
(oh, but please say a few extra prayers, he had to go into the hospital yesterday to treat his jaundice. he's already getting better and should come home tomorrow!)
January 2, 2010
so much is going on
The holdiays were great, crazy, but great! I was supposed to have off from Christmas Eve until this coming monday, but I ended up having to work almost all day on monday and a few hours tuesday and wednesday. That's okay, it just means I can take some time off this week - which is great because my friend had her baby boy 2 weeks early on wednesday 12/30!!! So I can go over to her house to help her out this week over my lunch hour and I won't have to rush back to work :) She lives about 10 mins from my work, so once her H goes back to work I'll be able to go over and give her a hand so she can at least take a shower and get a few minutes of "me time" every day :)
On Wednesday afternoon I was at my Gyno's office (regular annual exam) when her sister called letting me know she was in the hospital. I was so so freaking excited my BP went through the roof I think, I was just so shocked, I didn't think he'd come out before new years. I walked back to the exam room beaming like I was the grandmother or something and telling everyone my friend was in labor right now! haha, I'm such a sap! Her sister called again as I was checking out and asked if I could come to the hospital and relieve her friend who was watching her baby in the waiting room since her friend had to go to work. I said of course, so I left and went right to the hospital. Turns out her sister's friend's car keys were in her sister's purse in L&D so her sister's friend and I both stayed in the waiting room. We didn't have to wait too long, 2 hours after I got there little Weston joined the world at 4:42 pm at 6lbs 13.5 oz and 21" long! :)
I got to go back and see my friend about 30 mins later and stayed with her and her sister and her H until she got moved up a floor to the Mother/Baby area. I helped them carry the stuff upstairs and I wanted to stick around to see the baby and he was brought into her room about 15 mins later. Then the guests started arriving. I just sat back and listened/watched and just hung out. It was such a neat experience, even if I wants in the room, just see the emotions roll across her face and witness all of those little "first moments". Total amazing! I was finally getting ready to leave around 8pm until my friend realized I hadn't held him yet. I was letting everyone enjoy their moment with the new baby, I wasn't about to take him from anyone (I pride myself on not being a baby hog even though I'd love to be one!) :) but she was going to strap me in the chair and not let me leave until I held him. He's the youngest child I've ever held at not even 4hrs old. So amazing!!
Then thursday (new years eve) we ended up having a snow storm in the morning so I didn't get over to the hospital like I had promised, but apparently she had a ton of visitors. After my H got home from work we made our way over around 7:30pm to help them ring in the new year (my H and friend's H are best friends, so my H was really the first male friend to go over to see them and I think it made her H feel good) :) well the baby was definitely fussy/gassy and my friend was definitely emotional - plus we were tired and it was sleeting/snowing out so we ended up leaving around 10:30 to let them rest and we just headed up to celebrate with our dog :) But we did bring some wine along and had poured ourselves and the nbew daddy a little wine to celebrate. well the nurse was in checking the baby's vitals and we were packing up to head out. Me trying to be all stealthly tried to put my H's empty cup under my cup that had like an inch of wine left but when I moved my hand away my sleeve caught the edge of the cup and I spilled wine all over the hospital room floor. I was so shocked/embarrassed/mortified/guilt ridden - I probably turned 8 shades of red, I thought I was going to get thrown out it reeked of wine in there, I felt awful! me of all people, who barely ever drinks and is super careful about everything spilled the wine. Well the nurse cracked a smile and when I said to my H to get me some paper towlles she said "take a real towel, it's okay" - haha! I mean she HAD to smell it! so I cleaned it all up real fast and shoved the towel in my bag. I wasn't about to stuff a wine soaked towel in her laundry bag so it could smell up her whole room. What a night! haha!
Then yesterday they got discharged and got to go home!! I waited until after dinner to head down to her house. I wanted to help if they needed anything, but her in-laws were all there (who was the awesomest people in the world and like a surrogate family to me and my H - hell we even celebrated Christmas eve with them - but that's a whole other post!)
After they left and the baby ate, my friend went to take a shower and her H went to make the bed so I held the baby. he did good for about 15 mins and then he just started wailing. the poor thing was tooting something fierce so he defintely has some gas going on but he would not settle down. After her H came back down I gave the baby to him to let him try to calm him down and he sat by the dryer (they keep their house on the cool side) and he thought the heat might help. The baby calmed down to the a whimper and then her H looked up and saw the boppy on the dryer, so he placed the baby in the boppy and he was out like a light - it was nearly instanenous!!! it was Genius! :) between the vibration, the white noise and the heat, the baby was out like a light!
so now today I'm waiting for the call to come over. I know her H wants to go grocery shopping (I offered, but I think he wants to get out of the house) and I'm gonna help him take their tree and garland down and whatever else they need done. I'm sure she's going to get a ton of visitors today as the weather isn't bad, and it's a saturday so people have off.
I promise to post pics, I just didn't download them yet.
On Wednesday afternoon I was at my Gyno's office (regular annual exam) when her sister called letting me know she was in the hospital. I was so so freaking excited my BP went through the roof I think, I was just so shocked, I didn't think he'd come out before new years. I walked back to the exam room beaming like I was the grandmother or something and telling everyone my friend was in labor right now! haha, I'm such a sap! Her sister called again as I was checking out and asked if I could come to the hospital and relieve her friend who was watching her baby in the waiting room since her friend had to go to work. I said of course, so I left and went right to the hospital. Turns out her sister's friend's car keys were in her sister's purse in L&D so her sister's friend and I both stayed in the waiting room. We didn't have to wait too long, 2 hours after I got there little Weston joined the world at 4:42 pm at 6lbs 13.5 oz and 21" long! :)
I got to go back and see my friend about 30 mins later and stayed with her and her sister and her H until she got moved up a floor to the Mother/Baby area. I helped them carry the stuff upstairs and I wanted to stick around to see the baby and he was brought into her room about 15 mins later. Then the guests started arriving. I just sat back and listened/watched and just hung out. It was such a neat experience, even if I wants in the room, just see the emotions roll across her face and witness all of those little "first moments". Total amazing! I was finally getting ready to leave around 8pm until my friend realized I hadn't held him yet. I was letting everyone enjoy their moment with the new baby, I wasn't about to take him from anyone (I pride myself on not being a baby hog even though I'd love to be one!) :) but she was going to strap me in the chair and not let me leave until I held him. He's the youngest child I've ever held at not even 4hrs old. So amazing!!
Then thursday (new years eve) we ended up having a snow storm in the morning so I didn't get over to the hospital like I had promised, but apparently she had a ton of visitors. After my H got home from work we made our way over around 7:30pm to help them ring in the new year (my H and friend's H are best friends, so my H was really the first male friend to go over to see them and I think it made her H feel good) :) well the baby was definitely fussy/gassy and my friend was definitely emotional - plus we were tired and it was sleeting/snowing out so we ended up leaving around 10:30 to let them rest and we just headed up to celebrate with our dog :) But we did bring some wine along and had poured ourselves and the nbew daddy a little wine to celebrate. well the nurse was in checking the baby's vitals and we were packing up to head out. Me trying to be all stealthly tried to put my H's empty cup under my cup that had like an inch of wine left but when I moved my hand away my sleeve caught the edge of the cup and I spilled wine all over the hospital room floor. I was so shocked/embarrassed/mortified/guilt ridden - I probably turned 8 shades of red, I thought I was going to get thrown out it reeked of wine in there, I felt awful! me of all people, who barely ever drinks and is super careful about everything spilled the wine. Well the nurse cracked a smile and when I said to my H to get me some paper towlles she said "take a real towel, it's okay" - haha! I mean she HAD to smell it! so I cleaned it all up real fast and shoved the towel in my bag. I wasn't about to stuff a wine soaked towel in her laundry bag so it could smell up her whole room. What a night! haha!
Then yesterday they got discharged and got to go home!! I waited until after dinner to head down to her house. I wanted to help if they needed anything, but her in-laws were all there (who was the awesomest people in the world and like a surrogate family to me and my H - hell we even celebrated Christmas eve with them - but that's a whole other post!)
After they left and the baby ate, my friend went to take a shower and her H went to make the bed so I held the baby. he did good for about 15 mins and then he just started wailing. the poor thing was tooting something fierce so he defintely has some gas going on but he would not settle down. After her H came back down I gave the baby to him to let him try to calm him down and he sat by the dryer (they keep their house on the cool side) and he thought the heat might help. The baby calmed down to the a whimper and then her H looked up and saw the boppy on the dryer, so he placed the baby in the boppy and he was out like a light - it was nearly instanenous!!! it was Genius! :) between the vibration, the white noise and the heat, the baby was out like a light!
so now today I'm waiting for the call to come over. I know her H wants to go grocery shopping (I offered, but I think he wants to get out of the house) and I'm gonna help him take their tree and garland down and whatever else they need done. I'm sure she's going to get a ton of visitors today as the weather isn't bad, and it's a saturday so people have off.
I promise to post pics, I just didn't download them yet.
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